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Dear Saby,
ReplyDeleteRecently an ex-friend contact me via facebook messenger to rekindle our friendship. She is suggesting we "be cordial" because "we both have had so many life changes and we had such a long friendship previously". I have not spoken to her in 3 years. We were best friends for 10 years, from 15 to 25.
I ended our friendship after a last straw in 2009. My college graudation was upon us, and after a years notice she decided not to come because her current BF at the time "needed her". I was so hurt I ended our friendship. I was never important enough for her to come visit me when I moved away for college, although I had visted her often. There were many times over our 10 years when she took advantage of my push-over-ness and was never really there for me whe I needed her but always wanted me there the instant she needed someone.
I want to be decent because our families live int he same area, however, I do not want to be her friend again. I honestly do not have room for her drama or neediness in my life. How do I tell her shes not the kind of friend I want or need in my life, nicely?
Dear, Rachel
DeleteI personally think you should reconsider your decision. There must have been a reason why you remained friends with her for 10 years. Yes she was wrong for taking advantage of your kindness at times but you also let it continue. It sounds to me like you are still hurt over a few things. One would be because she never went out to visit you. Although I see your point you also have to understand that you were the one that moved away, so she may have been hurt or even jealous over that. Yes you did visit her but it was probably when you were already in town visiting your family. It is possible that financially she may not have been in the position to visit. Secondly you must have been greatly disappointed that she picked a guy over you. The thing you have to realize is that when you are in love you don't see clearly and do things you would never have done normally. We have all been there at some point in our lives, yet deny the fact that we let a guy change us. You can't hold that against her forever, love is beautiful but complicated thing. Not that I am excusing her behavior by the way.
With all that said, my advice to you would be to try and give her final chance, you don't know if she has changed or not. Maybe you may become closer than ever, but you won't know unless you try. Of course you would have to put down your foot when it comes to letting her walk all over the friendship, let her know that both of you have changed within the last 3 years and you aren't sure if you are on the same page in life but that you are willing to give it another chance.
But if you are set on your decision and really do not want to be her friend, and then it is as simple as being brutally honest. Let her know exactly how you feel without pointing fingers or bringing up the past. Just let her know you wish nothing but the best for her and her family but at this time you rather keep things as is, and continue to go your separate ways. Short and sweet.